We haven't had a real life update conversation in a week. I can't wait to talk to him. I waited since 2 PM and we talked for 10 minutes then he had to go. Then at 8 we talked for 16 minutes. Then at 12 we talked for 17 minutes.
I know I'm asking for a lot but I was kind of hoping for a real conversation. I wanted to know what his life is like. I know he's been through hell lately and I know I haven't made it better.
[I guess this is one of the problems: I was expecting for a "life-update" conversation but he didn't have time].
I waited and waited. 4 or 5 times he told me he will call me back and he didn't. I really needed to talk to him and see that he is okay. Then when we finally got to talk, I was so happy I thought it would be one of those great conversations where we talk about life and feel motivated. But it wasn't. He suddenly said he had to go.
I asked him "Do you have a meeting?"
He said "I don't want to say". His face changed.
He asked "Why is your face like that. I can't take it". Then his face started to crumble just like mine. Even though I hadn't realised that mine had.
I said "I'm fine. Really its okay. Just call me when you booked the flight okay?". But its too late because my voice was shaking. The words I said didn't matter and I was soon in tears.
He said something along the lines of "You wouldn't love me if I can't talk to you for 10 hours a day right?"
I kept repeating "I'm sorry. I'm really fine" but I turned the camera away because I was crying.
He turned his camera off. I know he was breaking down and I know I caused it. He said let's talk later.
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That's it. That's how I ruined a perfectly good conversation where I thought we were making progress. I told him I looked at his website and watched the show Globish was on. He said he was going to cry. We were laughing and he was smiling.
Then all of it was gone. when he said a single sentence. Gone. and I had just typed "Do you want to take a break?" on Line. Now he isn't replying. I am sitting in my room crying. Funny how everything changes with one sentence said.
00:24 Tan Ananthothai Im okay na
00:25 Tan Ananthothai Just that i often have this kind of feeling after talk to u
00:25 film benya what kind of feeling?
00:26 Tan Ananthothai I dunno
00:26 Tan Ananthothai Its just a mix of feeling
00:26 film benya feeling waa arai lor
00:27 film benya nhu tan u know i love u
00:28 Tan Ananthothai I dunno
00:29 Tan Ananthothai Sad
00:29 Tan Ananthothai Guilty
00:29 Tan Ananthothai Worry
00:29 Tan Ananthothai Anxiety
00:29 film benya tan im so sorry na
00:29 Tan Ananthothai Normally i try not to show it to u though
00:29 Tan Ananthothai Just dont want u to worry
00:29 film benya please dont feel guilty for being exactly as you are because u know how much i love u
00:30 Tan Ananthothai I dont want i to misunderstand na
00:30 Tan Ananthothai I love u so much
00:30 Tan Ananthothai And i know u love me
00:30 Tan Ananthothai Never doubt it
00:30 film benya i know that too
00:30 Tan Ananthothai But i guess i need more than love na nhu film
00:31 film benya do u wanna take a break?
00:31 film benya i dont want u to be sad
00:31 film benya and i know im the reason ur sad
00:36 film benya i dont want to hurt u
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