Feelings as of Now

I feel like I'm never going to get a job. I know that realistically that's not what is going to happen but that's what it feels like right now.

Tan tells me that I should reach out to more people to ask them information about potential jobs. But it takes me days, sometimes weeks even, to prepare for "cold calling" someone about a job. I don't know why it is so hard for me but it is.

For instance, I've been meaning to message Aarti to ask about a job at Google Singapore. I even drafted the message like last week but somehow I couldn't bring myself to send it. Today when I was about to send it, I cried a little tear and sent a mental message to her telling her that I'm sorry I have to do this. I really do hate myself for doing it. I'm not sure what makes me feel this way... Why do I have to apologize for asking someone for help? Why do I feel terrible for it? Why is it so hard for me to open up to someone and be vulnerable about it?

I'm going to go see a psychologist about this problem actually. I saw in Chula Wellness poster that I can actually schedule an appointment with an actual therapist for around 800 Baht per 1.5 hours. I think that's a pretty okay deal so I might actually go. Tan says my problem is my ability to open up to people in my life that's not him. I don't know whether this problem stems from the fact that I had a huge fight with my dad when I was in HS and we haven't talked for 1.5 years. I don't know but I think if its something that is inhibiting me from a good job and a good life, then I may need to take some time to address the issue. It's worth digging into.

Companies I've applied to so far
1. McKinsey
2. Bain
3. Roland Berger
4. Google
5. A.T. Kearney